Monday, January 31, 2011

Americans Misusing British Slang

This weekend, I saw my friend waiting outside of his door. I drove over to him to see what he was doing, but he was already on the way in by the time I got there. This conversation happened via text messages, following the incident.

Haha were you locked out?

Nah, I was just waiting for my dad to park

Unfortunate, that. Were you locked out, I'd've suggested you come in the car for a quick tug on my winky.

Now you just ruined my day... Thanks, prick.


A prick you say? Why, sir, I do declare you... a cunt. A cunting cunty cunt.

Take it back............. TAKE IT BACK!!!!!!!

The only thing I take back is every single wank I have ever committed in your image.

Is that correct, Richard? Well I hope you obtain the wanker's cramp now and every future wank you ever wank. Pecker.

How dare you!

Yes, how dare I! I am a vewy dapper darer and I find that quite risible every time that the wanker's cramp happens to haunt you. Har har har.

I'll be enjoying my daily cup of tea after tennis.

The next time I see you, I will feed you spoonfuls of my freshly milked semen in a spoon fashioned from your own castrated member.

You won't be able to produce a bloody drop from the amount of pain and misery you will experience when the wanker's cramp hits you. You will be able to fetch me a cup of tea infused with bollocks from your blighter. Sir!

Piss off, yer buggerin' git!

Goshdarnit, Richard, you just won't leave me alone you bloody muppet. I just might sleep with your wife Gertrude tonight and let her have a little wank of her own.

Leave Gertrude out of this, you vile rapscallion of a prat!

Why should I? She will never date another eejit like you when I am done "conversing" with her. Perhaps I have the only richard she'll ever need. VERY WELL!

Very well indeed! I shall be the bigger man, and end this. (Also, you're a bleedin' twat, mate.)

Okay this quarrel is over with, Richard. Might I just add... Fuck you!

Fine! I'm done! No more!

(eat shit)

I shall not bother with you anymore... bumblefuck.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Snow, Snow, Snow

The snow is beautiful. The sky is filled to the brim with big, fat chunks of it. It's coming down slowly, slanted. I used to get so excited about snow as a kid, but ever since I got a car and started having responsibilities other than "be home by ten," I lost my appreciation of the snow. But the last time it snowed, I was stuck in an apartment for a few days with someone I love. Now, I'm about to start a day of work at a job I just about tolerate... and instead of thinking about the Suck Potential the day has, I'm thinking about being a kid again.

For now, I like the snow. It's annoying and can get in the way of things, but not today. And not the last time either. It's been doing good for me lately.


I got a Tumblr today. I'm going to post the same stuff that I post here, but I'll reblog some fun and different stuff too. I'm still not sold on it, but I'll give it a whirl.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

2010 in a Few Words


'Twas a good one.

I read a lot of books. Big entry on that later for fellow nerds.

I left a job I'd been at for four years. I got a new job. I left over bullshit. I got a better paying job and then got a second job. So now, I work at Borders and I'm preparing to teach a screenwriting course at Five Towns College. Me. A college professor. I'm still kind of reeling.

I finished shooting a feature length indie film that I wrote, directed, and starred in with one of my best friends, Mr. Steven Wisnowski. It's called Besiegement! and it stars a bunch of people who are too talented for words. Thanks to Steve, Erica, Dennis, Kellyn, Chris, Matty, Greg, Nigel, Tom, Jeff, Mike, Antwon, and everybody who made the shooting of Besiegement! as fun, challenging, rewarding, and... well, tiring as all hell. It was a blast and Steve and I are gonna do you proud. Edits, edits, edits...

Stinky Burger Productions. We stumbled. We choked. We struggled under the pressure of making a feature film. But then, we finished. We sighed, looked at what we'd done, and then took a step. We grew. We became better than ever. We put out five short films, all of which I'm proud to have been a part of. Watch them here: White Rapper Love, Montage, Blood Pong II, Are We Interrupting?, and Creep.

Go us.

(Solid Mechanics cast and crew)

Theatre. Love love love. Two of my plays, Solid Mechanics and Jelly Pants were performed in New York City. Two performances each. Each actor and director made me proud to be a writer.

February 11th.

In March, my friends came together and made a show out of a play that I wrote. Laura Willis directed my play H2-Zero, which was put on as a part of the Molloy College Earth Week. It starred Matty Rizz, Gregory James, Robbie DiBella, Nadia Khan, and Travis Gibson Williams. I still laugh thinking about how they delivered some lines. And also, br... never mind. It was a blast and, though I have the easy part, I'd do it again in a second.

I started working with two of my favorite actors, Tanya Everett and Clinton Lowe, on a full length play called "Game Face." We're going to take this to the next level and really give our all to make this the biggest thing we possibly can. 2011. Look for us.

I saw the best concert of my life. Laura Marling in NYC with Erica.

There was a great photobooth.

I saw the best Broadway show of my life and even though I've only seen one before, it'd take a lot to beat Next to Normal. Hopefully going again next week.

I graduated from Molloy College.

I made a choice about the future that makes me smile just thinking about it.

Fourth of July.

I went to Mexico and bonded with my mother. Every year, I learn more about her and every year I'm happier to be her son.

I met a baby that I actually like. A lot. Who would've thought?

(She thinks she is a mummy)

I half-own an adorable, strange little cat named Dagny. Sometimes Liesel. Sometimes Diesel. Formerly Sophie. Often Westley's girlfriend.

I went to Comic-Con. I met a lot of people I've been talking to for years, and I had the time of my life.

I finished a novel. I met an agent. We spoke. She read. She gave notes. I'm back to work on said novel and loving both the writing and the hope of what this could all mean.

A writing dream of mine came true. Something I wrote will be published by my favorite comic book company in 2011. More on that... well, when I can say more on that.

I spent most of the year hanging out with a girl who has utterly changed my life. We've done a lot of laughing, a lot of talking, a lot of adventure-having, and a lot of everything together. Because of her, I was inspired enough to keep writing while, before her, I was drawing a blank. Because of her, I did stuff I never could've pictured myself doing like ice skating, going to a horse show, riding a horse, stealing coyotes, and so many other countless wonderful things. I look forward to many, many, many more years.

Mohonk with Erica. Not sure I can think of a better place to be or a better person to be with.

I spent a lot of time with great people. This year, I gained so much and didn't lose anything worth keeping. 2010 was, thanks to all of the above and much much more, the best year of my life.

So far.

Thank you for being a part of my year. I'm on a big, epic, Lord of the Rings-esque journey, and I hope you'll all come with me. Now, time to shave last year off of my face (pictured below) and run run run into 2011.

Last year I couldn't, but now I can see my life unfolding before me and it's scary, big, so damn weird, and incredibly beautiful. I can't wait.